I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
