maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
