you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize