I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
