YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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