There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
