Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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