half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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