And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
