I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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