wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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