I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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