you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
