capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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