my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
