Barsexuality is the new black.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
