I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
