Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Randomize
