just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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