I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
