You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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