When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
