I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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