you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
