That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
dude. I can hear the air.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
