I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize