Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
