I wish I could teleport
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize