How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
