So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
