I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
