This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize