she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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