I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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