I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize