the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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