My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
