I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
