she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
