Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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