dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
