i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
