Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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