She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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