I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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