i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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