So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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