So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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