Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
