I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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