woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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