I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i love accidental penises.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
