his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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