this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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