Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
