Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
