I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
