I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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