last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
