I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
